Confessions of a Pastor’s Wife: Doubting God’s Love

Each month I write an article for a local magazine, and of course, I enjoy sharing it with you guys, too.  I’ve shared this article here before, but the message doesn’t get old.  Maybe you’ve experienced something similar…..

Have you ever experienced something life-changing, earth-shaking bad? We all have…..or we’re going to. The reality is we live in a world full of heartache. Does that mean God doesn’t love us? Well, the Christian teacher in me says no. But, my human heart has screamed otherwise.

In 2001, I experienced not one, but two miscarriages. The first one shocked me, but I recovered well and chalked it up to “these things happen.” A few months later, I had a second miscarriage, though, that rocked my world. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that God was allowing me to suffer. It seemed my plan for my life and God’s plan were two different things. I began to think His hand of protection was off of my life; that He didn’t care that I was hurting; that He must not love me. After all, how could a loving God do this to me, especially when I spend my life serving and honoring Him?

I wallowed in self pity. Not undeservedly, I might add. Miscarriages are much more than a physical loss. I mourned quietly, without telling anyone what I was really feeling….not even my husband. Why not share, you ask? Because I felt so ashamed of myself. I knew the right answers in my head: God hadn’t forgotten me, He loved me, and His way is always best. But, that knowledge didn’t AT ALL match what I felt in my heart. In fact, it was a HUGE contradiction. For three months I struggled to make sense of what I knew in my head and what I felt in my heart.

Here comes my confession…..

Continue reading here….

 

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