Conflict and Criticism

Conflict and criticism.

Those are two subjects every pastor and his wife face.  Whether it’s a misunderstanding among church members, a misconception from a guest, or a disagreement with the programming of the church, those of us in ministry leadership manage disgruntled people and grievances on a regular basis. In addition, we counsel countless people through their own quarrels and squabbles.

In short, we better have a clear understanding on conflict resolution and peace making.

But, sometimes we come up short, don’t we?  At times, it becomes personal. Our emotions come into play and it is difficult to see another person’s perspective.  Oh sure, it’s easy when we’re advising someone else on their issues.  But, responding when we’re the ones feeling attacked?  Well, that’s when the rubber meets the road, isn’t it?

I recently received an email from a pastor’s wife seeking advice for a misunderstanding in her church.  She described an angry email from someone who had recently attended her church.  The email depicted the people of the church as unloving and not compassionate.  It turned out that the writer of the email was not only a visitor of the church, but also the sister of a church member who often expresses her own negative views.

Needless to say, my friend disagreed with what she read.  She knows her church to be considerate and helpful….not at all the description of the email. Her dilemma, however, was how to respond.  Defend her church in a quick reply? Make a phone call? Schedule a meeting? Or, ignore the email altogether?

Sound familiar?  Have you dealt with similar situations in leadership?  I bet you have. Whether the issue is monumental or inconsequential, our responses matter. So, I shared my thoughts with this fellow pastor’s wife….and I’ll share them with you, too, tomorrow.

In the meantime, I’d like to hear what you’d advise.  What would you suggest our friend in leadership do – respond or ignore?  Maybe we’ll assist each other in the process for the next bout of conflict or criticism WE face.

So, let’s hear it? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Wednesdays Are For Women: You Can Flourish!

Pastors’ wives (PW) and women in ministry are incredible sources of wisdom and creativity as they use their gifts in leadership and service. I highly value their insight, faithfulness, and diligent labor. That’s why I’m hosting Wednesdays Are for Women. Each week, we’ll hear from a different PW or ministry leader and gain her perspective on God’s activity on her ministry team, her local church, or the issues facing church leaders today.

Today, I’m sharing about an exciting new site for pastors’ wives and women in ministry.  Check it out:

You Can Flourish!

Late last year I got a phone call from a lady named Kathy Litton.  Kathy is a national consultant for Ministry to Pastors’ Wives for the North American Mission Board.  Sounds like a mouthful, doesn’t it?  More like a life-full.  Kathy has been a pastor’s wife for many years and has been on the front lines of ministry in both volunteer and paid positions.  To say she understands the unique calling of PW’s is an understatement.

So, Kathy called to pick my brain about what PW’s need….how they could be better equipped to face the challenges of life in a fishbowl…..how they could be loved and encouraged…..how they could relish their roles and responsibilities.  We spent a couple of hours over coffee, and our friendship was born.  I admire Kathy’s zeal for ministry – it challenges me.  God added a mentor to my life that morning over coffee, and I’m thankful.

That’s why I’m so pumped to share what Kathy has been up to.  Working through NAMB, Kathy has launched a website designed specifically for PW’s and women in ministry.  At Flourish, you’ll find great blog posts, good reads, help for trying times, and best of all, some new friends – friends who walk the same road you do.  We all need that, don’t we?

I’m honored to be included as a contributing writer on the blog, so I hope you’ll check it out.  If you know me at all, you know I LOVE connecting with and investing into our tribe – whether in traditional churches or cutting-edge church plants.  No matter where we serve, we need each other.  So, click the link and let me know what you think!

In the meantime, I hope you flourish today.  Wherever you are, whatever you do, lead well today, my friends!

 

Wednesdays Are For Women: Easter Rewind

Pastors’ wives (PW) and women in ministry are incredible sources of wisdom and creativity as they use their gifts in leadership and service. I highly value their insight, faithfulness, and diligent labor. That’s why I’m hosting Wednesdays Are for Women. Each week, we’ll hear from a different PW or ministry leader and gain her perspective on God’s activity on her ministry team, her local church, or the issues facing church leaders today.

Today, I’m throwing my two cents in about life in ministry on holiday weekends. 

I’ll never forget it.  Easter, 5 years ago.  As my husband and I were shaking hands and hugging necks after each of our weekend services at Mountain Lake, I heard person after person relay their afternoon plans.

“We’re having lunch at my grandmother’s house.”

“All of my brothers and sisters are getting the kids together for a huge egg hunt.”

“We have 13 people coming to our house for an Easter feast!”

“Our entire family is in town, and we have an afternoon full of food and fun planned.”

I was genuinely happy for these friends, but after about 51 comments like that, I began to feel lonely, and I found myself crying in my husband’s office.  You see, my extended family lives in different states, so munching on some fried okra with them wouldn’t be possible, and I was feeling the sting of one of the small sacrifices we’ve made to be in ministry – we don’t live near any family. To make matters worse, I didn’t even have a meal planned for my family.  No celebration.  Our focus was the work we were doing at church, not working in the kitchen.

We went home that day to hot dogs instead of an Easter feast, and we vegged out in front of the TV instead of laughing with family and friends.  After multiple worship services, that’s all we had energy for.

That’s when I made the decision.  Life in ministry didn’t have to mean missing out on the fun of the holidays.  While we had done a great job teaching our kids the value and meaning of these special days, we had missed the mark on celebrating the fun side! No more.  I made a plan.  Since I didn’t have time to cook a big meal on Sundays, I now cook our holiday meals 1-2 days in advance.  Easy stuff that can be re-warmed.  I find a family or two that are in the same boat as me – no family nearby – and invite them over.  Oh, and I make sure plenty of caffeine is on hand because we’re usually dragging by 2PM on Sunday.

My planning doesn’t stop there.  My kids get their Easter baskets on Saturday, since Sunday morning is full of ministry prep.  Giving the baskets a little earlier means I have more time to focus on them.  And, to top it all off, I give Easter treats to our entire Ministry Team, too.  Nothing extravagant.  Just little tokens on their desks (for their spouses and kids, too).  Life in ministry might be lonely for them, just like it can be for me.

Since that Easter 5 years ago, my plan has been working.  My family has created some fabulous holiday memories, the sting of loneliness hasn’t been part of it, and I’ve felt the joy of brightening a few others’ day, too.

So, there you have it.  My plan.  Life in ministry may look different sometimes, but it doesn’t have to be lonely.  What about you?  Do you have a plan to enjoy the holidays that we help others celebrate?  You deserve to celebrate, too!  Make a plan of your own, and create the fun moments you want your family to remember.

Wednesdays Are For Women: Yogurt, Yelling, and Imperfection

Pastors’ wives (PW) and women in ministry are incredible sources of wisdom and creativity as they use their gifts in leadership and service. I highly value their insight, faithfulness, and diligent labor. That’s why I’m hosting Wednesdays Are for Women. Each week, we’ll hear from a different PW or ministry leader and gain her perspective on God’s activity on her ministry team, her local church, or the issues facing church leaders today.

Today, we’ll hear from Sarah Keller of Next Level Church in Fort Myers, Fl.

Yogurt, Yelling and Imperfection

Last weekend I had some errands to run at one of our beautiful outdoor malls here in Southwest Florida.  This sounds like a dream, but not necessarily for my two boys (11 & 8) who had to come with me.  So, I did what any good Mom would do and encouraged them to behave well, so that our day could end with “Yogurt Mountain.”

Now, you must know that I have great kids, but wow…they can get on each other’s nerves like no other!  So, after waiting at the Apple store for the “Genius” and smelling candles in “Bath & Body Works,” they were over each other.  My youngest son embarrassed my oldest; in turn my oldest called my youngest a name.  Youngest gets feelings hurt, elbowing ensues, you know how it goes. Let’s just say it didn’t end pretty.  I walked out of the store hoping for an apology from them which would keep our hopes of Yogurt Mountain alive. That, however, did not happen and let’s just say…we did NOT go to Yogurt Mountain. I’m sure you can relate, ladies!

To be honest, it was a hard decision to make.  I wanted them to behave.  I wanted them to make the right decisions.  I wanted them to see the error of their ways, own up to it so we could all be happy. I wanted to reward them. Not to mention, I wanted the white chocolate moose, hot fudge & the little tiny peanuts! J I wanted it to be easy and perfect.

But instead of treating ourselves to frozen yogurt and enjoying the beautiful day, our entire ride home was consumed with a lesson in “behavior” and how Mom was not going to reward them for their inappropriate conduct.  The discussion got pretty heated and at one point my oldest son said, “Mom, you just expect us to be perfect!”  I replied back, “No I don’t expect you to be perfect, I just want you to do the best with what you know and I know that you can do better!”

A few days later, I felt God speaking to me about changing some things in my own life.  I suddenly found myself struggling with feelings of imperfection. I had the same thought my kids did a few days earlier, “God, do you know what you’re asking me to do?”  The enemy instantly bombarded me with thoughts like, “You’re such a failure for not having this figured out already.”  In an instant I had immediately jumped to the incorrect conclusion that God was asking me to be perfect!

Then God reminded me of the car ride with my kids and I heard Him gently reminding me, “Sarah, I’m not asking you to be perfect.  You know what you should do.  I’m asking you to do better.”

So, let me encourage you today… God doesn’t expect us to be perfect.  He simply asks us to do the best with what we have, and be willing to grow through it. It’s a lesson I’m teaching my kids, and I’m learning myself as well. And if I can make any progress at it, I might just reward myself with some frozen yogurt. Don’t tell my kids! J

About Sarah: 

Sarah is married to Matt Keller, pastor of Next Level Church in Fort Myers, Fl.  She also offers valuable coaching at www.mynextlevel.me/sarah-register. Connect with her on Twitter: http://twitter.com/sarahkeller and Facebook: http://facebook.com/sarahjkeller

Wednesdays Are For Women: Finding Friendships

Pastors’ wives (PW) and women in ministry are incredible sources of wisdom and creativity as they use their gifts in leadership and service. I highly value their insight, faithfulness, and diligent labor. That’s why I’m hosting Wednesdays Are for Women. Each week, we’ll hear from a different PW or ministry leader and gain her perspective on God’s activity on her ministry team, her local church, or the issues facing church leaders today.

Today, I’m continuing a series of video interviews with PW’s from the Velocity Conference.  Dive in.

Life in the ministry is so fulfilling.  Just think about it.  We have a front row seat for all that God is doing in our churches.  We get to read the emails about the life-change people are experiencing.  We have the privilege of praying with and for the people God has entrusted us to lead.  And, to top it all off, we have the added bonus of knowing that our leadership will have an eternal impact.

Yet, even in the midst of fulfilling work come struggles.  Challenges.  Obstacles to overcome.

At our recent Velocity 2012 Church Planter’s conference, two of my friends grabbed a flip cam and tackled this topic.  Amy Bloye (West Ridge Church in Hiram, Ga) interviewed Lori Wilhite (Central Christian in Vegas) about one of her struggles as a Pastor’s wife.  Take a look:

Interview with Lori Wilhite from Tricia Lovejoy on Vimeo.

Thanks, Amy and Lori, for sharing. Finding friendships with other PW’s has been incredibly beneficial in my life, too.  Several years ago, I discovered Lori’s site, Leading and Loving it, and man, oh man, God has used it to bring new friends into my life.  I have friends across the nation that know my heart, share my journey, and understand my role.  And, I understand theirs.

The road of ministry has a few speed bumps along the way, but friendship doesn’t have to be one of them.  Connect with a few other PW’s, open yourself up to accountability, and find ways to invest into each other.  God designed us to be relational – with Him AND with others.  So, get busy finding some new friends!

Your life will be better because of them.

Wednesdays Are For Women: Ministry Partners vs. Marriage Partners

Pastors’ wives (PW) and women in ministry are incredible sources of wisdom and creativity as they use their gifts in leadership and service. I highly value their insight, faithfulness, and diligent labor. That’s why I’m hosting Wednesdays Are for Women. Over the next few weeks, I’ll share a few videos from other pastors’ wives at our recent Velocity conference.  They will share their ideas on everything from marriage to ministry.

Married life is the bomb.  Or, at least it can be.  Spending time with your best friend….sharing a home together…..raising a family…..knowing someone else loves you with abandon…..loving someone else above yourself……and partnering to accomplish life goals.

Yes, married life is sweet.  That is, unless other things have robbed your marriage of intimacy and unity.  The demands of life have a way a wriggling into our marriages and diverting our attention away from the very one we pledged to honor and esteem most.  (Who knew laundry and yard work could have such disastrous effects?!)

For those of us in ministry, we have another demand that can divert our attention: leadership.  As we serve and lead our churches, we are apt to become ministry partners instead of marriage partners.  Our dates can be overshadowed by a brainstorming session for upcoming church events, our family nights can be robbed by endless emails and phone calls, and our pillow talk can be about staffing issues rather than….well, the pillow talk we crave.

At our recent Velocity conference, I took full advantage of so many pastors’ wives and women in ministry being on our campus by interviewing them with a handy-dandy flip cam.  Today, I want to introduce you to Karen Hudgins.  She and her husband, Tom, are planting a church in Clearwater, FL.  Together they have a dynamic marriage AND ministry.  Check out what she has to say about protecting their love life:

Church Planting Marriage Partnership from Tricia Lovejoy on Vimeo.

Thanks, Karen! My favorite quote was, “We are completely in love with each other!”  Doesn’t she inspire you to make a plan to steal away with your hubby for a little while?

What about you?  How are you protecting your love life?  What are some of your best, most creative date ideas?

I’ll get you started by sharing one of ours.  My husband, Shawn, and I are taking our next few dates to walk down memory lane.  We’re reminiscing about our college dating days, our wedding day, our seminary years, life before kids, and the private jokes we share.  We’re reminding each other of moments long forgotten and falling a little more in love because of it.  I love my man, and I cherish our life together.

It’s your turn!  Share your date ideas, and let’s inspire each other to reclaim some time alone with the men we love most!

Wednesdays Are For Women: Velocity 2012 Review

Pastors’ wives (PW) and women in ministry are incredible sources of wisdom and creativity as they use their gifts in leadership and service. I highly value their insight, faithfulness, and diligent labor. That’s why I’m hosting Wednesdays Are for Women. Each week, we’ll hear from a different PW or ministry leader and gain her perspective on God’s activity on her ministry team, her local church, or the issues facing church leaders today.

Today, I’m sharing some of my favorite quotes from the Velocity Conference.  Dive in!

If you missed Velocity 2012, don’t fret.  All of our main sessions and breakouts will be available on our Church Planters app for FREE in the next 24-48 hours!  How’s that for equipping?  Much wisdom was shared over the last two days, and we want you to take advantage of it.  Since I was leading the uber fun Pastors’ Wives Track, I didn’t get to hear any other breakout sessions, so I’ll be making use of our new app, for sure.  But, I did hear every incredible main session speaker  – and God most definitely inspired them to share practical instruction and heartfelt emotion.

My takeaways?  Here you go:

God is more concerned with faithfulness than fruitfulness. – Shawn Lovejoy

Church growth is not the goal.  Faithfulness is the goal.  Church growth is simply the byproduct of faithfulness to Christ. – Shawn Lovejoy

Increase your character capacity. – Sam Chand

God’s silence is not His absence. – Pete Wilson

Don’t confuse your calling with your identity.  – Trisha Davis

We focus on our insurmountable circumstance rather than our supernatural God. – Pete Wilson

It’s not about you, it is about Who is going with you. – Jud Wilhite

Everything Stacy Spencer said…..

Honored to have served God and church planters at Velocity with some awesome sacrificing volunteers!  I love you guys! – Jerry Erickson, faithful Mountain Lake member

I love my job at Mountain Lake so much.   Velocity has been one of the highlights of my spiritual and professional career. - Jeffrey Melvin, Mountain Lake Team

The list could go on and on, but those quotes alone are enough to chew on today.  I certainly have tons to reflect on.  If you’re smart, you’ll do some reflecting of your own.

Stay tuned to Wednesdays Are For Women.  I’ll post some video interviews that I snagged at Velocity from some dynamic women with great ideas.  Let’s learn from one another….and make each other better for the journey.

Wednesdays Are For Women: Pastors’ Wives Track

Pastors’ wives (PW) and women in ministry are incredible sources of wisdom and creativity as they use their gifts in leadership and service. I highly value their insight, faithfulness, and diligent labor. That’s why I’m hosting Wednesdays Are for Women. Each week, we’ll hear from a different PW or ministry leader and gain her perspective on God’s activity on her ministry team, her local church, or the issues facing church leaders today.

Next week is our annual conference, Velocity, and Tricia Lovejoy is hosting a track designed especially for Pastors’ wives. Today she gives us a sneak peek.

Next Monday and Tuesday will be two of my favorite days of 2012.  I’m praying that many other ladies will be able to say the same.   That’s because we’re hosting something unique.  Something crafted for a specific group of women.  Something not offered often, if ever, at most conferences.

A Pastors’ Wives Track.  That’s right.  A series of breakout sessions to encourage, edify, and refresh the women leaders of our churches.

Take a quick peek at what’s in store:

A PW Mixer. Make some connections with other women who understand the journey of ministry…connections that could benefit you long after you leave Velocity. Need creative ministry ideas? Looking for ways to invest into your team? Need help setting ministry boundaries for your family? Join us as we mix and mingle…and make each other better!

Confessions Of A Pastor’s Wife.  Admit it. We’ve all struggled in some way as wives of pastors. Life in a fishbowl can make the best of us flounder from time to time. Lori Wilhite, Brandi Wilson, Tricia Lovejoy, Sarah Keller, and Trisha Davis pull back the curtain on their lives and help us all find ways to thrive!

The Best Practices Of A Church Planter’s Wife  Listen as Tricia Lovejoy shares 6 practices she uses to effectively manage ministry, marriage, and family. She’ll transparently share the lessons she’s learned in church planting.

Leading and Actually Loving It.  Does ministry life sometimes leave you drained rather than fulfilled? Join Lori Wilhite and Brandi Wilson as they help us navigate the expectations and roller coaster emotions of church life and find real, life-giving community.

There you have it.  Velocity will give us two days of dynamic speakers, passionate worship, practical workshops, PLUS breakout sessions to address situations and issues unique to Pastors’ wives. I’m pumped!

It’s not too late to register.  Get here if at all possible.  We’ll make connections, share ideas, and stretch our skills and faith.  See you next week!

 

About Tricia:

Tricia is married to Shawn Lovejoy, Founder and Lead Pastor of Mountain Lake Church.  She leads the women of her church in a monthly environment called Girlfriends, and she mentors Pastors’ wives across the country.  Together, she and her husband lead out in ministry and life. They have 3 children.  You can connect with Tricia at http://SharpenHer.com or http://MountainLake.tv

Wednesdays Are For Women: Good Advice Is Never Wasted, by Brandi Wilson

Pastors’ wives (PW) and women in ministry are incredible sources of wisdom and creativity as they use their gifts in leadership and service. I highly value their insight, faithfulness, and diligent labor. That’s why I’m hosting Wednesdays Are for Women. Each week, we’ll hear from a different PW or ministry leader and gain her perspective on God’s activity on her ministry team, her local church, or the issues facing church leaders today.

Today, we’ll hear from Brandi Wilson from Cross Point Church in Nashville, TN.

Good Advice Is Never Wasted

Last spring, Pete and I had the awesome opportunity to have dinner with Rick and Kay Warren along with several other pastors and wives.

At one point during the dinner someone asked theWarren’s how they respond when a staff member chooses to leave, and Kay had some great words of wisdom. She said that in the past, she’d taken it personally and had been hurt when staff members had chosen to leave. But over the years she has come to look at the person’s time at Saddleback as an investment. That they were “in training” at Saddleback for some God-ordained purpose and when they left Saddleback it was because God had moved them somewhere else to minister and Saddleback was part of their experience for some reason, a part of their journey.

Truly, they were words of such depth… I loved her attitude and her positivity. I loved that you could tell her words were words of experience…something she’d worked through. And I thought to myself, “What great advice… I’m gonna tuck that guidance away for a time when I really need it.” Honestly, we don’t have a large staff at Cross Point and our turnover rate is rather low, so I thought it could be years before I pulled that chunk of logic back out.

Actually, that chunk of logic was in storage for less than a week.

I received a phone call. Not from a staff member but from a close friend. Someone I’d invested in and had invested in me. She called to tell me they were leaving Cross Point for another church. She sited a few legitimate reasons and was very kind and loving… but let’s be honest, I was still hurt. I thanked her for the intentionality of the phone call, for letting me know instead of just disappearing. I offered to help her in her new journey in any way I could, and we hung up. And then I cried, my heart hurt.

I was numb for a couple of hours, developed a huge headache from over-thinking it, and finally heard Kay’s words echoing in my heart. Cross Point was blessed to be part of this couple’s journey. They were at Cross Point “in training” for a season. We were blessed to be part of their story. God was going to use their time at Cross Point for some purpose…an experience is never wasted.

I can honestly tell you that any time I’ve spent with other pastors’ wives has enriched me many times over. And you have the perfect opportunity to spend time with other Church Planters’ wives at Velocity 2012. Nothing feeds my soul like time spent with other ladies on the same journey of ministry. Sharing our stories and our wisdom will help all of us.  Don’t miss an opportunity to connect with other Church Planters’ wives February  27 & 28 at Velocity… you won’t want to miss it!

About Brandi:

Brandi Wilson has been a pastor’s wife for 15 years.  She’s married to Pete who’s the Senior Pastor at Cross Point Church in Nashville, Tennessee.  Cross Point was planted in the fall of 2002 and is a multi-site church. She is the co-leader of Leading and Loving It.  Pete and Brandi have three boys- Jett, Gage, and Brewer.  When Brandi isn’t wrangling boys she enjoys reading, hiking, social-networking, and spending time with friends.

Wednesdays Are For Women: Valentine’s Giveaway!!

Pastors’ wives (PW) and women in ministry are incredible sources of wisdom and creativity as they use their gifts in leadership and service. I highly value their insight, faithfulness, and diligent labor. That’s why I’m hosting Wednesdays Are for Women. Each week, we’ll hear from a different PW or ministry leader and gain her perspective on God’s activity on her ministry team, her local church, or the issues facing church leaders today. This week, I’m getting in on the fun….with a contest!

Valentines Day is just around the corner and we want to give you a Valentines Date that you will not forget. You won’t forget it, because we are giving away 7 pairs of tickets to the Velocity Conference!

You will definitely remember this Valentines gift, as you and your spouse or significant other will be front and center at the Velocity Conference. You will hear from some of today’s top ministry leaders, while spending some quality time with your date.

Again, we will be giving away 7 pairs of tickets to the Velocity Conference and all you have to do is follow us on Twitter (@churchplanters) and participate in the daily contest to win. This Velocity Valentines giveaway will run from Feb. 8 – Feb 14th. If you know some couples that are considering attending, be sure to share this opportunity with them.

Thanks for your partnership, and who knows, maybe you will be the one that has the Valentines Day to remember!