A Response to Conflict and Criticism

Yesterday, I shared a friend’s request for help in a sticky situation in leadership and asked for your feedback.  As promised, today I’m sharing what I suggested she do.  See what you think. These are my actual words to her:

For the visitor: I would respond to the email. I would express sorrow and disappointment that she did not feel the love and friendliness your church is so well-known for. (Perception is reality, so if she felt unloved then she views your church as unloving). Ask if something specific happened to upset her and quickly address those issues, letting her know that you will do all you can so that it doesn’t happen again. Share the vision/mission of your church with her and assure her that your goal is to love people well because Christ loved people so well. I would most definitely apologize for her experience.

I know you are probably thinking that the lady is wrong….and she might be!  Nevertheless, I often find that by being a peacemaker and showering others with kindness and understanding I shame them OR help them gain a new perspective of the situation. In other words, give this lady a reason to believe that the leaders of the church are loving, thoughtful people. 

For the church member:  If she is a constant source of divisiveness or disunity, the pastor could schedule a meeting to discuss her ability to be part of the congregation. If she is unhappy with the vision, unsatisfied with the programs, or disappointed in leadership (for whatever reason), she is going to struggle in the church. THAT’S OK! Not every church is for every person. Explain to her that part of the membership covenant of the church body is unity and loyalty with the members AND the leadership team. If she continues to express negativity, she will adversely effect the church by stirring up feelings of disharmony. No church can continue like that. It is not good for volunteer teams, small groups, or the corporate church. Assure her that you love her and that if she needs to find another church to join – one that more closely aligns with her ideas – you will support her and still be her friend. No hard feelings. This is a conversation for whichever pastor she most closely relates to. 

The goal is to win the relationship, not to win the argument. However, wisdom knows when to let the relationship go….not because you’re tired of dealing with it, but because it is doing harm to the Body as a whole. The ministry leadership team is responsible for protecting the flock from the divisiveness that can cripple the leadership in the eyes of others. 

This isn’t the last time you will deal with disgruntled people, sadly. But, this experience will make you more prepared for the next. Be gentle as doves but wise as a serpent (Matt 10:16). Do all you can to keep peace among the brothers (Romans 12:18). And lead well. 

So there you have it.  I could have shortened and edited it, but I felt led to give you guys very specific details on one way to respond to conflict and criticism.  To be sure, there are several ways to effectively address situations like this, but I pray this post helps you.  And I pray you are better prepared to lead well!

Conflict and Criticism

Conflict and criticism.

Those are two subjects every pastor and his wife face.  Whether it’s a misunderstanding among church members, a misconception from a guest, or a disagreement with the programming of the church, those of us in ministry leadership manage disgruntled people and grievances on a regular basis. In addition, we counsel countless people through their own quarrels and squabbles.

In short, we better have a clear understanding on conflict resolution and peace making.

But, sometimes we come up short, don’t we?  At times, it becomes personal. Our emotions come into play and it is difficult to see another person’s perspective.  Oh sure, it’s easy when we’re advising someone else on their issues.  But, responding when we’re the ones feeling attacked?  Well, that’s when the rubber meets the road, isn’t it?

I recently received an email from a pastor’s wife seeking advice for a misunderstanding in her church.  She described an angry email from someone who had recently attended her church.  The email depicted the people of the church as unloving and not compassionate.  It turned out that the writer of the email was not only a visitor of the church, but also the sister of a church member who often expresses her own negative views.

Needless to say, my friend disagreed with what she read.  She knows her church to be considerate and helpful….not at all the description of the email. Her dilemma, however, was how to respond.  Defend her church in a quick reply? Make a phone call? Schedule a meeting? Or, ignore the email altogether?

Sound familiar?  Have you dealt with similar situations in leadership?  I bet you have. Whether the issue is monumental or inconsequential, our responses matter. So, I shared my thoughts with this fellow pastor’s wife….and I’ll share them with you, too, tomorrow.

In the meantime, I’d like to hear what you’d advise.  What would you suggest our friend in leadership do – respond or ignore?  Maybe we’ll assist each other in the process for the next bout of conflict or criticism WE face.

So, let’s hear it? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

We’re Better Together

We’ve encouraged our church to read through the book of Acts during our latest teaching series, Life In Bold. Reading about the lives of the very first followers of Christ is a fantastic way to learn how to live an effective, bold, and impassioned life for the cause of Jesus.  I’ve shared some of my insights here and here as I’ve read one chapter each day.

We’ve read stories about baptisms and life change, and we’ve read about the persecution Christians faced.  But, maybe my favorite part of the book of Act is the stories of relationships.  Since most of the book focuses on the missionary trips of Paul, we are privy to an up close view of his faith, as well as his friendships.  Without question, Paul had quite an impact on the known world.  He taught countless people about Jesus, started churches in each town he visited, challenged the religious elite, raised money for the poor, and endured beatings and imprisonment.

But he was never alone.

Nope, Paul valued his friends.  He took them on his trips.  He prayed with them.  He was honest with them about his temptations. He comforted them, and he knew how to accept comfort and help from them. He seemed buoyed by their companionship.

Could it be one of the reasons he was so successful in his ministry?

Being in relationships with other healthy Christ-followers is essential to our spiritual growth.  When difficult situations arise, other believers can support us, as well as guide us through the challenges.  When we struggle with temptations, other believers can help us stand firm.  We grow in spiritual maturity as other believers teach us the lessons they’ve learned.  And we do the same for them.  Just as it was true for Paul, we buoy one another.

Together, we’re better. 

I believe Paul was able to plant churches, travel all over the known world, and teach relentlessly about Jesus because he was never alone.  He had a posse.  He was supported, understood, encouraged, prayed for, and loved.

Are you?  Are you investing into and developing healthy relationships with other believers?  Not the surface kind.  Not the kind where you pretend you have it all together.  The authentic kind where you truly share your heart and life.

You need it.  So do I.  Open yourself to being challenged and supported by a trusted Christian friend.  You’ll be better for it.  Take it from Paul.

The Three Greatest Threats to My Christian Life

Over the last 2 weekends at Mountain Lake Church 34 people have been baptized.  I excitedly watched and cheered for each one of them….several of whom I personally know.  I’m even more pumped about the new life they are beginning.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life has gone; a new life has begun!”  Sure, they’ll make plenty of mistakes….we all do.  Just read what James 3:2 says, “For indeed we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongue, we would be perfect, and could also control ourselves in every other way.” But if they stay focused on God, they will steadily grow in faith and become more and more like Jesus.  That’s a direct promise! John 5:4 quotes Jesus, “Remain in me and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.” 

Nevertheless, I’ve been a follower of Jesus long enough to know the challenges to staying focused on Him…to remaining in Him.  My experiences have proven just how easy it is to drift away from the One I claim to follow.  When I do, I lose momentum.  I lose a sense of fulfillment and purpose.  I lose an innate sense of happiness that comes from walking closely with God. And I suffer all the consequences of taking my eyes off my Leader.

Recognizing the subtle ways I take my eyes off of Jesus is key to my spiritual health.  Here are 3 of the greatest threats to the vitality of my Christian life:

1.  Exchanging what I do for who I am. I’m tempted to focus more on the acts of service I do, rather than my love relationship with God. When I do, my life becomes extremely self-centered, not God-centered.

2.  Thinking I’m good enough.  I’m tempted to overlook or excuse my sin.  I must recognize it and confess it.  If I don’t, I limit the power of God in my life.

3.  Putting on a Christian face. I’m tempted to pretend I have it all together, rather than being transparent and vulnerable to a few trusted friends.  When I do, my growth is stifled and stunted.

What about you? Do you recognize these trends in your own life?  What are the greatest threats to your Christian life?

 

Fight, Not Flight

Our church is reading through the book of Acts as we continue the Life In Bold teaching series.  As promised, I want to share with you some of my own insights on the stories of the very first Christians.  Let’s dive in!

In chapter Acts chapter 12, something devastating happens.

James was executed.

You know who James was, right?  One of the 12 apostles.  One of Jesus’ best friends.  One of the chosen three men who witnessed Jesus reveal his Heavenly glory (Matt 17).  Yeah, that James. A key player in the Jesus’ ministry….a key figure in the lives of the earliest Christians.

So, let me set the scene.  After Jesus was crucified, the apostles went to a whole other level spreading the Good News of the Messiah.  They banded together and saw miracles done through their work – the lame could walk, the Gentiles were accepted, thousands were converted, and the believers became completely devoted to each other.

The apostles were probably seen as THE central figures….spiritual fathers, in a sense.  And then, one of their very own was taken out.  James was killed by the sword by King Herod in an effort to stamp out Christianity.  To be sure, the believers had already faced persecution, and some had been arrested and killed.  But, this was different.  This was one of the chosen 12.  This was one of the key leaders.  It was surely a blow to the foundations of the church to suffer such a loss.

It gets worse.

King Herod recognized that James’ death pleased the Jews, so he proceeded to arrest Peter….another apostle….another key leader in the Christian movement.  Certainly King Herod’s motive was to kill Peter, too.  Can you imagine what was going through his mind….or the minds of the other believers?

What is happening?  Is this how it ends?  Will King Herod get all of us?  Who will be next?

And, then, a miracle.  As Peter sat chained in a prison cell, his shackles fell off and the locked doors opened.  At first, he thought he was experiencing a vision, but when he found himself outside, he came to his senses and realized he was free!

What did he do next?  Run for his life? Skip town?  Stop preaching? Back down? Shy away?

Nope.  Not Peter.  He went straight to his friend’s home to celebrate the miracle, and then he got back to work.  That’s right, when the chips were down he didn’t run.  He stood firm.

That story got me thinking.  When the chips are down, what do I do?  What do you do?  Do we second-guess our calling?  Do we count the sacrifice as too great and give up?  Do we run and hide to avoid backlash, persecution, or discomfort?  Or, do we stand firm?  Get back to work?  Cling to our calling like never before?

I don’t know your circumstances this week, but let me encourage you to stand firm.  When you are working for the Lord, persecution is inevitable. Accept it.  Prepare for it.  Face it.  Then, stand firm.

In short, fight, not flight.

Thank God for encouraging stories in Scripture to remind us what bold faith looks like.  Be bold today, my friends!

Pity Parties

Guilty as charged.

That’s me.  I’ll admit there have been days – seasons, even – when I’ve faced unpleasant circumstances, and my first reaction was to doubt God, to doubt His love for me, and to question His involvement in my life.  Not daily, mind you, but when a few major life crises occurred, I threw pity parties.

Ever been there?  Maybe you received a questionable lab report or a loved one died.  Maybe you had difficulty having a child or you didn’t climb the corporate ladder fast enough.  Maybe someone betrayed you.  When things like these happen, we might be tempted to wonder where God is.

Or, maybe the crises in your life are a result of decisions you made to follow God.  Maybe you took a cut in pay to answer a call of God and now you have trouble making ends meet.  You might be tempted to blame God for not blessing you as you serve Him.  Or, maybe you volunteer your time and compassion to those in need, but you constantly feel taken for granted.  You might feel isolated and alone….not at all what you thought you would experience when you said “yes” to God.

I’ve been there.  I’ve been betrayed.  I’ve been taken for granted.  I’ve thrown a pity party when life didn’t measure up to my grand plan. Maybe my pity parties felt more valid when they were the result of saying “yes” to God.  Like when I said yes to church planting and we moved to a brand new community, without friends, with little money.  I was overworked, overwhelmed, lonely, and far from anyone or anything familiar.  There were a few moments when I shed tears and wondered why my obedience to God cost so much.

But, then I read the book of Acts and studied the actions of the very first Christians.  Let me tell you, they suffered hardships that make my first-world problems look like a trip to Disney.  And they didn’t throw pity parties.  Instead, they just…partied.

In the days after Jesus was crucified and ascended to Heaven, His followers preached, worshiped, met together, and blessed the people around them….all while the religious elite plotted their arrest, persecution, and death.  Each time they mentioned the name of Jesus, the Christians risked their lives.  Yet, here is an example of their attitude:

“The apostles left the high council rejoicing that God had counted them worthy to suffer disgrace for the name of Jesus.” Acts 5:41 

They partied!  The apostles counted it a blessing to suffer for Jesus.  How very different from our culture!  When we suffer, we automatically assume God is either punishing us or has forgotten us, don’t we?

The apostles made a vastly different assumption: boldness for Jesus will result in persecution, struggles, and discomfort.  They accepted it.  They expected it.  And, they were honored by it.

Are you facing a struggle in your Christian faith today?  Are you paying a high price in some way?  If so, let me ask you a question.  Are you throwing a pity party or are you partying?  Count yourself worthy!  Not pitied.

Our church is reading through the book of Acts as we continue our current teaching series, Life In Bold. Dive in with us and learn – first hand – how to be BOLD in your faith and, yes, even in your suffering.

The Why Behind the What

Want to know the greatest lesson I’ve ever learned in ministry work?

Never exchange “who” you are in God for “what” you do for God.

In other words, don’t confuse your religious activity with a healthy relationship with God.

Over the past 19 years I’ve served in tons of ministry areas, and I’ve experienced how easy it is to get wrapped up in the details of accomplishing a task, rather than remembering the reason I started serving in the first place.  I quickly learned that titles, recognition, and status mean absolutely nothing.  The only thing that matters is integrity before God.

So, let me pass a warning to my fellow Believers: Don’t ever allow your identity to get wrapped up in what you do – that you’re the leader….that you run a ministry…..that you serve in this capacity or that….don’t believe the lie that since you serve the church that God is pleased with you.  Serving certainly pleases God, but what He truly wants is your heart…your devotion….your love….your obedience.

Remember what Samuel told King Saul?

1 Samuel 15:22 But Samuel replied, “What is more pleasing to the Lord: your burnt offerings and sacrifices or your obedience to his voice? Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams.

At some point, maybe at many points, we will all be tempted to exchange our service to the church for our relationship with God.  It’s so very subtle: We’re busy doing very good, very Godly work, and we’re surrounded by Christian stuff.  So, be alert to the temptation!  It’s critical that we all be alert!  We can quickly…very quickly….get off track and leave God behind while we chase all of our “good works.”

So, what’s my challenge for today: Ask ourselves WHY we do WHAT we do?  Are we serving because of expectation or passion?  Return to your first Love, my friends.  There’s nothing better.

There’s A Bad Apple In Every Bunch

Each year I read through the bible in chronological order.  That means I read the books of the bible in the order that the events happened.  I just finished Chronicles, including some chapters of family genealogies.  You know what I’m talking about.  So-and-so was the father of so-and-so.  Verse after verse of so-and-so’s.  It’s the type of stuff most of us usually skip over hoping to get to more enlightening reading.

But, this time I was enlightened.

Reading through the genealogies, I took note of the famous names, like Noah, Abraham, and David.  These were men that God loved, men who obeyed God and earned fantastic reputations.  In a way, I would expect that their family tree would be special….sort of blessed.  I would expect that no black sheep would be in their families, after all, they would the elite of the elite.  Yet, each one of these men had descendants who acted in honorable ways and despicable ways.  As the family lines continued I saw that each generation had righteous people as well as wicked people.  Apparently there’s a bad apple in every bunch.

Think about it: Judah sold his brother into slavery, yet Jesus Himself is in his family tree.

David was a man after God’s own heart, but his son, Absalom, slept with David’s wives and tried to overthrow David’s kingdom.

Eil was a righteous priest, but his sons were promiscuous and deceitful.

The genealogies continue in various books of the Bible, occasionally pinpointing the righteousness or wickedness of specific people.

There’s a lesson buried in those so-and-so lists.  It doesn’t matter who you came from or how good your family’s reputation is.  The truth is every family tree has sin.  We can’t ride the coattails of our Godly heritage, and neither are we limited by a disgraceful past.

You see, we all make our own choices. We might bear a good name but we can choose to sully it. We might bear a sullied name but we can choose to reestablish it. I’ve seen children of godly parents walk a wayward road, and I’ve seen children of wayward parents choose more righteous path.

What will we choose to do with our lives today? Whether we’ve been given a good name or sullied one, we have the greatest power in the world – the power to choose.  I’m choosing to never be limited by what came before me, whether good or bad. I’m choosing to keep my eyes on Jesus. To read scripture and live by it. I’m choosing to dust myself off when I fall and try again.  I’m choosing to lay a Godly foundation for others to build on.

What about you? Don’t buy into the lie that sin must be a repeating cycle in your family tree.  We can CHOOSE!

The Price of Parenting

At Mountain Lake Church, we recently wrapped up a teaching series called Family Tree in which we took a hard look at the modern family, why we’re dysfunctional, and God’s intended design for each member of the family unit.  So, when I was reading my bible today, I took special notice of this particular story.  It’s found in 1 Samuel chapters 2 and 3.

Eli, and his 2 sons, Phinehas and Hophni, served as priests in the Temple.  But, chapter 2 points out some glaring issues regarding the actions and character of Eli’s sons:

“Now the sons of Eli were scoundrels who had no respect for the Lord or for their duties as priests.”

In fact, these boys were seducing the girls who worked the Temple gates and they were improperly handling the sacrifices people were offering to God.  They apparently had little or no regard for their position, their reputation, or standing before God.

Eli certainly knew what was going on.  He heard the stories.  He saw the attitude of his sons.  (Isn’t it true that most us, as parents, have some inkling as to what kind of people their kids are, even if we tend to paint a rosier picture than what the truth really is?)

“Now Eli was very old, but he was aware of what his sons were doing to the people of Israel.  He knew, for instance, that his sons were seducing the young women who assisted at the entrance of the Tabernacle.  Eli said to them, “I have been hearing reports from all the people about the wicked things you are doing.  Why do you keep sinning?  You must stop, my sons!  The reports I hear among the Lord’s people are not good.  If someone sins against another person, God can mediate for the guilty party.  But if someone sins against the Lord, who can intercede?”

Eli knew.  He saw.  He heard.  But, he didn’t do anything about the behavior of his sons.  Eli could have removed his sons from leadership.  He could have taken away their privileges.  He could have punished them in some way to stop their disrespect of God, the Temple, and him.  But, he didn’t.  Instead, he abdicated his role as a parent and did nothing.

I know parents like Eli, don’t you?  Men and women who plead with their kids to behave but never follow through with proper consequences.  Men and women who are more likely to apologize on behalf of their poorly behaved children or teenagers rather than hold them to a higher standard of living.  I’ll confess that I’m tempted to be one of those parents from time to time….to overlook disrespect because I know my kids are tired or to excuse poor work ethic because their schedule is full…..but then I’m reminded of the rest of the story in 1 Samuel chapter 3:

“Then the Lord said to Samuel, “I am about to do a shocking thing in Israel.  I am going to carry out all my threats against Eli and his family, from beginning to end.  I have warned him that judgment is coming upon his family forever, because his sons are blaspheming God and he hasn’t disciplined them.” (emphasis mine)

Punishment did indeed come for Phinehas and Hophni, except it didn’t come from Eli.  It was handed down directly from God.  What’s more, they aren’t the only ones who paid a price.  Eli was held responsible for failing to discipline his children. In fact, Eli’s entire family was eventually destroyed.

Sounds severe, doesn’t it?  Yes, it does!  Especially to my overlooking excusing way of viewing bad behavior.  There are many mighty lessons to learn about parenting in this short passage, but the one I’m gleaning today is that God holds parents responsible for disciplining their children.  

If you are a parent, let me encourage you.  Act with love and grace toward your kids.  Support and protect them.  But, do not fail to correct them.  If you allow their unwise actions and attitudes to go unchecked, they – and you – might pay a painful price.

 

 

Not By Sight

Have you ever been tricked, duped, into believing something that wasn’t exactly true?  Maybe you believed a rumor only to later find out it was false.  Or, maybe you purchased an item that turned out to be a dud.  When things like that happen, we’re left feeling deceived…maybe even betrayed….as we we were forced to accept less than the best.

The Israelites experienced a deception like that.  Joshua, one of Israel’s greatest military leaders, was busy conquering the Promised Land – the land God had specifically promised to give to the Israelites as their permanent possession.  God had made a covenant with them: if they would follow His commands and completely destroy the enemies currently living in the land, then He would bless them and give them peace on every side.

In Joshua chapter 9, a group of local people, the Gibeonites, planned a ruse to avoid being destroyed by Joshua’s armies.  They put on worn out clothes, carried moldy bread and cracked wineskins and then travelled to meet with Joshua.  Upon arrival they declared themselves to be from a very distant land and asked Joshua to make a treaty with them.  Since they weren’t close neighbors, they reasoned, there was no need to destroy them.

Verse 14 says the Israelites sampled the provisions of the Gibeonites and assumed their story to be true. They did not, however, take time to inquire of the Lord. As a result, they were tricked – deceived – and the Israelites made a treaty with the Gibeonites.  If the Israelites had only asked God what to do, He would have uncovered the plot of the enemy.  But they didn’t.  After over 40 years of walking with the Lord (being admonished time and again to obey God), one would think the Israelites would’ve known to seek God’s approval on any subject before moving forward.

But, then again, I can understand.  I, too, have followed God for many years and still walk by my own sight at times.

Making my own judgements – sampling the provisions of the world around me – and failing to seek God’s will is dangerous. Just as it led Israel to be tricked, I can be deceived…forcing me to accept less than the best God wants for me or resulting in unpleasing consequences.

For instance, I can fill my calendar with activities that seem good to me without inquiring of the Lord, yet I just might discover I’m walking through my days without His guidance. Or, I might respond to situations in my life in ways that feel right or seem wise to me….without inquiring of the Lord as to how I should react. As a result I might do more harm than good as I step outside His plan.

When I choose my own wisdom over God’s, I deceive myself and invite disaster.

How might we sample provisions of the world around us?

• Setting our own schedule without asking God what He would have us do.
• Accepting or declining leadership opportunities without asking His permission.
• Doing what feels right without seeking Him or His word.

What about you, today?  Are you making your own plans or seeking after God?  Scripture paints a vivid story for us.  May we all take heed.

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12