A Response to Conflict and Criticism

Yesterday, I shared a friend’s request for help in a sticky situation in leadership and asked for your feedback.  As promised, today I’m sharing what I suggested she do.  See what you think. These are my actual words to her:

For the visitor: I would respond to the email. I would express sorrow and disappointment that she did not feel the love and friendliness your church is so well-known for. (Perception is reality, so if she felt unloved then she views your church as unloving). Ask if something specific happened to upset her and quickly address those issues, letting her know that you will do all you can so that it doesn’t happen again. Share the vision/mission of your church with her and assure her that your goal is to love people well because Christ loved people so well. I would most definitely apologize for her experience.

I know you are probably thinking that the lady is wrong….and she might be!  Nevertheless, I often find that by being a peacemaker and showering others with kindness and understanding I shame them OR help them gain a new perspective of the situation. In other words, give this lady a reason to believe that the leaders of the church are loving, thoughtful people. 

For the church member:  If she is a constant source of divisiveness or disunity, the pastor could schedule a meeting to discuss her ability to be part of the congregation. If she is unhappy with the vision, unsatisfied with the programs, or disappointed in leadership (for whatever reason), she is going to struggle in the church. THAT’S OK! Not every church is for every person. Explain to her that part of the membership covenant of the church body is unity and loyalty with the members AND the leadership team. If she continues to express negativity, she will adversely effect the church by stirring up feelings of disharmony. No church can continue like that. It is not good for volunteer teams, small groups, or the corporate church. Assure her that you love her and that if she needs to find another church to join – one that more closely aligns with her ideas – you will support her and still be her friend. No hard feelings. This is a conversation for whichever pastor she most closely relates to. 

The goal is to win the relationship, not to win the argument. However, wisdom knows when to let the relationship go….not because you’re tired of dealing with it, but because it is doing harm to the Body as a whole. The ministry leadership team is responsible for protecting the flock from the divisiveness that can cripple the leadership in the eyes of others. 

This isn’t the last time you will deal with disgruntled people, sadly. But, this experience will make you more prepared for the next. Be gentle as doves but wise as a serpent (Matt 10:16). Do all you can to keep peace among the brothers (Romans 12:18). And lead well. 

So there you have it.  I could have shortened and edited it, but I felt led to give you guys very specific details on one way to respond to conflict and criticism.  To be sure, there are several ways to effectively address situations like this, but I pray this post helps you.  And I pray you are better prepared to lead well!

Conflict and Criticism

Conflict and criticism.

Those are two subjects every pastor and his wife face.  Whether it’s a misunderstanding among church members, a misconception from a guest, or a disagreement with the programming of the church, those of us in ministry leadership manage disgruntled people and grievances on a regular basis. In addition, we counsel countless people through their own quarrels and squabbles.

In short, we better have a clear understanding on conflict resolution and peace making.

But, sometimes we come up short, don’t we?  At times, it becomes personal. Our emotions come into play and it is difficult to see another person’s perspective.  Oh sure, it’s easy when we’re advising someone else on their issues.  But, responding when we’re the ones feeling attacked?  Well, that’s when the rubber meets the road, isn’t it?

I recently received an email from a pastor’s wife seeking advice for a misunderstanding in her church.  She described an angry email from someone who had recently attended her church.  The email depicted the people of the church as unloving and not compassionate.  It turned out that the writer of the email was not only a visitor of the church, but also the sister of a church member who often expresses her own negative views.

Needless to say, my friend disagreed with what she read.  She knows her church to be considerate and helpful….not at all the description of the email. Her dilemma, however, was how to respond.  Defend her church in a quick reply? Make a phone call? Schedule a meeting? Or, ignore the email altogether?

Sound familiar?  Have you dealt with similar situations in leadership?  I bet you have. Whether the issue is monumental or inconsequential, our responses matter. So, I shared my thoughts with this fellow pastor’s wife….and I’ll share them with you, too, tomorrow.

In the meantime, I’d like to hear what you’d advise.  What would you suggest our friend in leadership do – respond or ignore?  Maybe we’ll assist each other in the process for the next bout of conflict or criticism WE face.

So, let’s hear it? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Mastering Our Emotions

One of my favorite quotes is from Kathy Litton, Director of Ministry to Pastors’ Wives for the North American Mission Board.  She led a breakout session at the Velocity 2013 Conference regarding the influence a wife has on her husband, and her statement still has my mind processing.  Here it is:

“The discipline of our emotions is found in the training of our responses.”

Do you, like me, ever find yourself spouting off answers or demands only to regret your words an hour later?  Have you, like me, ever wished you could go back in time and change your reaction to a challenging moment?  Like when our kids push our buttons or our husband (knowingly or unknowingly) hurts us?  Yet, these aren’t the only areas that trip us up.  Leadership (as well as parenting, marriage, friendship, etc) often brings situations that invite surly responses and negative emotions.

Recently I spoke with one woman who was dealing with a divisive faction of people who were causing trouble in her church.  She was hurt and defensive, and it showed.

Another lady at the conference was distracted during one of the breakout sessions by a few volunteers who were whispering in the back of the room.  She grew frustrated, and within moments she wrote a passive aggressive note to silence them.  She left a bad impression on the volunteers….who were mortified that they had been a distraction.

And, yet another woman shared the indignation she felt as her current church withheld its blessing for her husband to plant a new church….in the same town.  Her emotions were getting the better of her.

Ladies, leadership brings burdens.  It comes with the territory.  But, we must train ourselves to measure our responses in ways that honor God, protect our listeners, and leave ourselves blameless before God.  If we do….if we can actually train ourselves to silence our tongue until we have time to process the moment….then we just might find that our emotions no longer rule the day.

What would our ministries look like if we put this idea into practice?  What would the church (as a whole) look like if its leaders grew in maturity in this area?

So, what is our LEADERSHIP CHALLENGE this week?  Let’s discover a new level of discipline of our emotions as we train our responses to the world around us.  

THAT’S true leadership!

Giving You Permission

Have you ever prayed long and hard about a decision?  Do you remember what it felt like when you finally heard from the Lord?  

Last week, a friend of mine shared her own story of answered prayer.  She and her husband have been researching church planting for over a year.  Lisa and Dan haven’t taken the notion lightly.  Dan currently serves as the Lead Pastor of a traditional church, and they both understand that planting a new church would require them to move away from family and friends, as well as a change in their financial situation.

Lisa and Dan have taken a few steps toward their dream: they’ve told their church of their intention to leave at some point, they’ve visited the potential city, and they’ve met potential ministry partners (another couple interested in planting a church).  Yet, even with these steps, neither of them have felt the permission to stake a claim to their dream.

Until last Tuesday afternoon.

Lisa and Dan attended the Velocity 2013 conference hoping and longing for God to speak loudly. He did.  Lisa shared the experience with me, and I wanted to share it with you.  Reading it reminded me of my own special moments when God has been loud in my life.  Read it for yourself:

As I sat in the last session of the Pastor’s Wives track during Velocity 2013, I was straining to hear from God regarding whether or not He wanted us to be a part of a plant in South Carolina. Just a year earlier, we divinely connected with another couple at Velocity and began asking God if church planting was the plan, if these were the partners, and if South Carolina was the place.  With so many life variables to consider, my husband and I wanted clear confirmation from God.

As I sat in the session, earnestly praying in my spirit, I wrote these words, “Please speak Lord!”  My sister next to me – our potential partners – leaned in and said , “Amen!”  In the next stroke of my pen God began to speak these words, “I”m giving you permission to enter into a covenant relationship with these people.”

As I listened the Lord speak so clearly in my mind, I wrote down all I heard.

He gave me the vision of a marriage. Then He said this to me, “Be intentional about courting your ministry partners. Build strong relationships with them.  Learn how to dance together.” Then I laughed because, simultaneously, Tricia was speaking those same words in her final comments about a ministry marriage, encouraging them to “learn how to dance together.”

God continued speaking to my spirit saying, “In this partnership, you will need to know each others’ tendencies, attitudes, weaknesses, and strengths.  We need to know how we best work together and minister together.” 

God’s voice was clear…be intentional in building a relationship with these new ministry partners.

He continued…”I am grafting you into a new ministry. I saw a vision of a large hollow stalk with a strong walls and His glory was shining through. Walk straight.  You will see what I have up ahead.  You won’t have to ask, ‘Will we move or will we stay?’  The way will be made for where, how, and when.”

Finally, I know that God was commanding me to prepare myself – spiritually and intellectually and emotionally.  

After God had spoken, I  thanked him then wrote this prayer: Dear God, make us strong for the journey. Protect what you’ve entrusted to our care.

 

On the drive home, I told my husband what God had spoken to me, and he wept.  It was the first time that we both realized that God was “giving us permission” to plant this church. Praise God!

So, Lisa and Dan have an answer.  And their spirits are soaring!  Join me and pray for them as they begin the journey!  And, pay attention in your OWN lives.  God is ready to speak to YOU, too!

You Might Be A Church Planter’s Wife If…

I’ve recently had several opportunities to hang out with men and women in the throes of church planting.  Our talk often focused on the ways our God-sized task infiltrates every area of our lives, which makes me relive the early days of our own church plant.

I remember packing everything our church owned into an old, repainted U-haul trailer and storing it in a neighbor’s dilapidated barn each week.  I remember getting up at 4:30AM on Sundays so we could unpack that trailer and set up our church environment in Sawnee Primary School.  I remember trying to decide if I should answer my home phone, “Mountain Lake Church” or with a simple, “hello?”  I remember arguing talking with Shawn about whether or not we should count our own family in the attendance numbers.

Good times, good times.  As a matter of fact, these are the “good times” that every church planter faces.  We all walk the same road, after all.  So, today I’m having some fun.  See you have lived the same good times I have.

You Might Be A Church Planter’s Wife If….

You’ve ever invited people to your children’s birthday parties as an evangelistic outreach.

You’ve ever thought of yourself as highly called and grossly under-qualified.

You’ve ever baked cookies, cinnamon rolls or other food items for more than 100 people.

Your kids think of church as their second home.

You always have to make sure the back of your hair looks good because 99% of the church people sit behind you.

Your living room is also the church auditorium.

The church phone rings at your house.

Your life is a sermon illustration.

Your husband’s office is in your home….or is it your home is in your husband’s office?

Your garage holds storage tubs and sound equipment rather than your cars.

The words “set up” and “take down” have become a permanent part of your vocabulary.

You have 5 members: you, your husband, and your three children.

When you stay home with your kids because they are sick, church attendance goes down 40%.

You’ve trained your 7-year-old to operate the music slides during worship.

You don’t want to “make” your kids tithe, but you know that 25% of the offering will come from them tithing their allowance.

Your turn.  What do you do that pegs you as a church planter’s wife?  

 

Tried and True Tips for Pastors’ Wives

I’ve been in ministry for 18 years.  That’s long enough to learn the ropes, I think.  Or, at least long enough to learn how to avoid hanging myself with those ropes.  So, in my quest to rescue others from the pitfalls of public life and the dangers of ritualistic religion, I’ve compiled a few tried and true tips that have served me well.  See what you think:

NEVER say ‘nice to meet you’ while shaking hands in the church lobby as you’ve probably already met this person 11 times.

ALWAYS use hand sanitizer after services.  Love is not the only thing being shared when you shake hands with everyone.

ALWAYS take a Sunday off a few times a year.

NEVER act like you have all the answers.

ALWAYS volunteer….but in only ONE place at a time.

NEVER find your identity in what people think about you.  People think you are better or worse than you really are simply based on your role.  Let the One who knows you best tell you who you are.

ALWAYS BE WHO YOU ARE!  Embrace the gifts God gave you, not someone else.

NEVER fear going to counseling. It is a great way to make sure you and the hubs are communicating amid the stress and busyness that comes from leading a church. It is a way for you to receive comfort instead of being the comforter and prevents burnout on ministry and marriage.

NEVER take criticism of the church personally.  Learn to separate yourself from the church so you avoid becoming cynical to the very people God called you to love.

ALWAYS have a thick skin and a soft heart. NEVER get it backward.

NEVER substitute your service to the church for your relationship with God.

ALWAYS keep in mind that not everyone is going to like you, but you’re in pretty good company . . . not everyone liked Jesus either.

NEVER present the illusion of the put-together woman without really BEING one.  Character matters.

NEVER surf Facebook or Twitter when you’re supposed to be reading You Version during worship….unless you’re trying to figure out the name of the person sitting behind you!

NEVER say everything you think.

Do you have something to add?  Feel free to add your own insights in the comments below.  I’d love to hear your tried and true tips, too!

 

Velocity 2013 Pastors’ Wives Track Review

Catchy post title, huh?  I know it’s not my most creative work, but today I opted for clarity over catchiness.

Help! I’m The Pastor’s Wife! was the name of a track of breakouts at the Velocity Conference earlier this week, and I was privileged to host it.  Before I tell you some of the great takeaways that I had, let me tell you the greatest value I see in a conference track like this: community.

Certainly there is good info to learn in the main sessions of conferences like this – tons of motivation and inspiration.  And, we are privy to such practical advice and wisdom in the breakouts, smaller classes designed to meet specific needs.  But, nothing beats connecting with other women who share the same up’s and down’s as us…who understand ministry life, right?

To engage in small talk in the hallways…

To exchange stories and ideas…

To make new friends…..

Well, that’s gold for me.  Some of my closest friends in ministry are women that I’ve met for only a moment in settings like this, yet we grew in relationship as we connected via Facebook, Twitter, emailing, and texting.  These women share my life.  They understand what it is to lead and follow.  They understand my desire for God.  They understand what it is to be loved by many but known by few…..no matter what size their church.  They, like me, are privileged to sit on the front row of all God is doing in their church.  They pray.  They laugh.  They share ideas for ministry and parenthood.  For me, community is a HUGE value of attending a conference like Velocity.

This year, I wanted to offer practical help for women who find themselves a little daunted by their role as a Pastor’s wife.  And it certainly can be daunting, can’t it?  So, I invited 3 friends to join me to encourage and equip other women in ministry.  Here are the highlights of my notes:

Trisha Davis, RefineUs Ministries and co-author of Beyond Ordinary, When a Good Marriage Just Isn’t Good Enough: 

Trisha spoke on Relational Leadership Principles.  She encouraged us to leverage our relationships – all of them – for God. In other words, to invest into people, love them well, and point them to Christ.  Here are 2 quotes that made me stop and think:

“We oversee people in our conversations.”

Relational Leaders invest strategically.”

Kathy Ferguson Litton, North American Mission Board and Flourish:

Kathy is my partner in ministry and a dear mentor in my life.  She talks, I listen.  Kathy’s message, The Sacred Art of Influence, pinpointed not only the value of a wife’s influence over her husband, but specific positive and negative ways we effect them.  Here are a few of her words:

“My character will help hold up my husband.”

“The training of our emotions is in the discipline of our responses.” (Ponder that one.  It’s deep….and we need it.)

Christine Hoover, author The Church Planting Wife: Help and Hope For Her Heart:

Christine is a new friend, and I’m so glad God sent her my way.  She has learned many lessons along her own church planting journey, and she candidly shares them in her book.  Lessons that made me evaluate my own perspective on ministry and life….several times.  She challenged me with this:

“Where the leader goes, so goes the people.”

“Remember, know, and meditate on this: God will be with you.” (We so quickly forget this!)

And, lastly, good ol’ me:

I shared several of the most critical lessons God has taught me about leadership through my journey as a church planter.  Here are two:

“Never substitute your service to the church for your relationship with God.  God wants your love and devotion more than your acts of service.”

“The pastor and his wife must be strong ministry partners AND strong marriage partners.  One role fuels the other: we lead with integrity when our marriage is on solid ground, and our marriage benefits exponentially when we partner together to accomplish whatever task God has given to us.  Don’t grow further apart in one area.  Claim success in both!”

Another day of good food for thought!  I have a few more things to share about Velocity, so stay tuned.  Until then, love and lead well today, my friends!

 

Velocity 2013 Review

Well, the conference is over and my house is a mess.

The last two days have been a blur of fun and inspiration, conversations and note-taking, public speaking and private prayers.  All of that left little time to load and unload my dishwasher, wash laundry, vacuum, and wipe down my counters at home.  With a family of 5, it doesn’t take long to go from organized to overwhelmed.  Apparently, two days is all it takes for the Lovejoy’s.

Honestly, it’s not that bad.  If a friend knocked on my door right now, I could still pull off a hospitable welcome….in the front room of my house.  In the back – my den – lies stacks of folded clothes.  I’m on my 3rd load.  And, I’ve already finished a workout, cleaned the kitchen, and dusted.  As I’ve tackled these jobs, a highlight reel of Velocity 2013 has been running through my mind.  Memorable quotes have given me food for thought as my hands have put my house in order.  So, I decided to take a break to share them with you guys, too.

Jon Acuff was the opening speaker.  I could listen to him for a long time.  Or, read anything he writes.  He has a unique ability to make light of Christian stuff and then nail you with a spiritual truth.  I’m so glad I finally got to meet him.

 

Charles Jenkins, Fellowship Missionary Baptist Church:

“If I was judged on my leadership, what would people say I have affected for God?”

“What is different or better because of me?”

 

Greg Surratt, Seacoast Church:

“If you minister out of woundedness, you’ll wound others.  If you minister out of brokenness, you’ll help others heal.”

 

Kevin Myers, 12Stone Church:

“Before everything can rise and fall on leadership, it must rise and fall on followship.  Follow Jesus closely.”

“Maybe God isn’t trying to kill your dream.  Maybe He’s trying to kill your ego.” (ouch)

 

Justin Davis, RefineUs Ministries and Cross Point Church: (hubby to my friend, Trisha Davis – shout out!)

“Being an approval addict will never bring Jesus glory.  It’ll only bring you glory.”

“When giftedness outweighs character, implosion is on the horizon.”

 

Herbert Cooper, People’s Church: (hubby to my friend, Tiffany Cooper – shout out!)

Herbert was on fire!  I had such a great time listening to him!

“Beware of dream killers.  If God gave you a dream, guard against someone who tries to stamp it out!” (On a different note, I also learned that Tiffany is the jelly on his toast, the gravy on his biscuit, and the hot sauce on his chitlin’s.  Good to know.)

 

Brandon Hatmaker, Austin New Church:

“Don’t become so consumed with church stuff that you lose touch with the outside world.  The outside world is who Jesus is after!!”

 

Leonce Crump, Renovation Church:

“Suffering comes before success.”

“Suffering shapes character so we can faithfully steward success.”

 

Shawn Lovejoy, Mountain Lake: (I might be biased, but he was my favorite.)

“What is driving you? Motivation matters.”

“Answering ‘why’ unmasks our motives.”

“Success in ministry doesn’t start with strategy.  It starts with a faithful heart to God.”

 

So these were my highlights from the main sessions.  Tomorrow I’ll share some highlights from the Pastors’ Wives Track that I hosted.  Stay tuned for more food for thought!

Velocity Is Here!

Today is going to be a blast for me….and for a ton of other pastors, ministry leaders, and their spouses.  Why? Because the most practical and encouraging conference I’ve ever attended is kicking off again!

Velocity 2013 gets underway today, and I’ll be busy taking notes, meeting new people, encouraging church planters, and (my favorite) leading helpful workshops for women in ministry!  I’ll be tweeting behind the scenes happenings, as well as memorable comments, so keep up with me via Twitter over the next two days.  Then, I’ll post my thoughts in review.

Can’t make it to Velocity?  Tune in to churchplanters.com.  In just a few days we’ll upload the entire conference just for YOU!  It’s just another way we love to resource and equip those of you on the front lines of ministry.

Hope you all have as good a day as I plan on having!

Mark Your Calendar!

If you are a pastor’s wife or a woman in ministry, did you know there are TWO great opportunities over the next few weeks for you?  If you need to be encouraged and equipped to do all that you do, then don’t miss these events:

The JustONE Conference

Hosted by Leading and Loving It, is a free (yes, I said free), virtual conference for all Pastors’ Wives and Women in Ministry. This 3 week conference (Jan 28- Feb 12) will include over 15 speakers sharing from their personal lives and leadership.  The focus of JustONE 2013 is Leviticus 26:13 NLT:

I am the Lord your God, … I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high.

Each session of JustONE will be shown 8 times during the week. So find a time that is right for your schedule, and join in!  For more details click here, and you can register here.

The Velocity Conference

Hosted by Churchplanters.com, Velocity aims to inspire, encourage, and equip pastors and their teams with highly practical workshops and teachers who speak right to the heart.  Included is a track of workshops specifically designed for Pastors’ wives called, Help! I’m the Pastor’s Wife! Sounds intriguing, right?

If you’d like to get some face time with a few other women who walk the same journey as you, this conference will be a perfect fit.  Plus, you’ll most certainly get the help you need to be on the front lines of ministry! 

The conference will be held at Mountain Lake Church in Cumming, Ga (just north of Atlanta) on February 18-19. For more details click here and you can register here.

I will be at both conferences!  If you log on to JustONE, I’ll be in the chat box, so say hello!  And, if you come to Velocity, I’d love to meet you in person!

Until then, keep leading well, my friends!